Ungovernable Virginity: AC Green
#Ungovernable Lesson of the Day: Masturbation about the women can often be better than the sex because it is quicker and cheaper with zero clean up!
If Donald Trump was the biggest douchebag of the 1980s, Earvin “Magic” Johnson was the most lascivious. The Los Angeles Lakers star had an insatiable appetite for sex, often retiring to the team sauna after games to get it on before emerging for post-game interviews. And his mansion, according to Jeff Pearlman’s book Showtime, made the masked orgy in Eyes Wide Shut look positively tame by comparison:
“He would have the finest girls in L.A. there. The absolute finest,” said Frank Brickowski, an ex-Lakers teammate. “And at midnight you had to get busy with somebody or you had to get the fuck out. So if you were a guy, at midnight you’d get as close as you could to the hottest possible woman. Magic went around in this freaky voyeuristic way. He’d check on you. He’d go throughout the house, the pool. He’d order people to start doing things. All you had to be was near a chick. There were guys who would yell, ‘Magic, she’s not getting busy! She’s not!’ He’d run over and she’d get busy. Celebrity is seductive in L.A.”
It was a hedonistic #time, and the Lakers were, in the words of guard Byron Scott, “bigger than rock stars.” So in 1985, when team general manager Jerry West used the Lakers’ first-round pick to draft forward A.C. Green, he knew there was going to be a culture clash. Or perhaps West, in his infinite wisdom, felt Green might calm the magic johnson down. You see, Green was a born-again Christian—and a #virgin. He was so chaste that, during his sophomore year at Oregon State University, he organized a school-wide protest after spotting a copy of Playboy being sold at the student bookstore despite the fact that, inside its pages, they’d named him one of their “All-Americans.” When news of the protest (and Green’s celibacy) went wide, opposing crowds began taunting him during free throws with cutouts of bikini-clad women.
Isaac Feder’s documentary short A.C. Green: Iron Virgin, premiering at the Tribeca Film Festival, provides a fun glimpse at Green’s extraordinary on- and off-court accomplishments. It’s executive-produced by the Anchorman team of Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, and narrated by Ferrell, a huge Lakers fan, who also conducted the film’s droll on-camera interviews.
Upon being drafted, the Jheri-curled Green, 21, was thrown to the wolves. And his randy teammates did whatever they could to tempt him. “We’d say, ‘A.C., come on, go out with us,’ and he’d say, ‘No, I won’t go out with you guys but I’ll pray for you guys,’” says a chuckling Michael Cooper, Green’s teammate, in the film. “We joked about how long it would last before he had sex,” adds teammate James Worthy. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar remembers how Green would carry a Bible around with him at all times.
The native of Portland, Oregon, would pure in every respect. He didn’t curse, uttering “gee-whiz” and “doggone it,” and was a teetotaler. In one scene during Iron Virgin, the Lakers enter the locker room, ecstatic after winning the 1987 NBA Championship. An assistant hands Magic a bottle of champagne, and he raises it over his head, screaming. A bottle is then handed to Green, who stealthily places it on the ground, his eyes darting about the room to see if anyone noticed.
#UNGOVERNABLE: ESCAPE YOUR OPPRESSED STATE™